We’re Being Tricked By Treats

I FIRST SAW THE GHOSTS THIS PAST JULY. They were hanging out in a near-deserted Walmart aisle, surrounded by a collection of lime-green skeletons, grinning skulls, and plastic jack-o’-lanterns. I looked around a bit, thinking maybe I might spy some Mexican-themed Day of the Dead trinkets, but none were to be found. I guess inclusiveness has its limits when one is trying to maximize seasonal profits.

While I can understand wanting to get a jump on the holiday sales blitz—that’s the American way, after all—it’s still a trifle disturbing to see people hawking Halloween junk when it’s 102 degrees outside. Are there really people so obsessed with planning and scheduling that during the dog days of summer, they’re already discussing whether little Billy’s Sonic the Hedgehog costume will win him raucous accolades from his fourth-grade peers? What kind of spreadsheet-obsessed maniac is pawing through a pile of Minions outfits six weeks before corn harvest starts?

One of the first thoughts that came to mind, after tripping across that unseasonably inappropriate merchandise pitch, was that maybe it’s just a sign of the times. We’re in an election year, and politicians of all stripes are infected with a genetic predisposition that compels them to pretend to be something they aren’t … for decades on end. Maybe the Halloween marketing folks are simply trying to stay on message. If Senator A can pretend to be honest and Governor B can pretend to care, then maybe America’s tykes and tots can jump the gun by three months, shell out hard cash, and make believe they’re Batman or Optimus Prime.

My second thought was, “This is really stupid.”

Call me both old and old-fashioned, if you must, but I prefer that important dates be recognized close to when they actually occur. The importance of auspicious events, the traditions and meanings behind them, are stripped of luster and authenticity if we start fiddling with their chronology. They lose their magic when we begin yammering about them months before the fact. The anticipation that makes such days special is being destroyed by the bean counters and strategists who advocate and sanction these policies of untimely faux festivities.

Christmas is on December 25th, but I don’t want to hear about it till after Thanksgiving. Halloween is on October 31st, but I don’t care to see aisles full of candy corn and Count Chocula till at least September 19th (which, as we all know, is national Talk Like a Pirate Day). I like Election Day on November 5th, not six weeks before and two weeks after. I truly wish Washington’s birthday was on Washington’s birthday and not mashed up with Lincoln’s. If I was a dead president, I’d be irked that my natal anniversary was altered just so people can get a three-day weekend and super-cheap sale prices on mattresses and linens.

One of the big reasons I like Thanksgiving is because it’s not really hyped. It’s always the fourth Thursday in November, and nobody tries to make me start preparing for it in August. It’s also one of the few holidays that doesn’t require gifts. The only thing you buy on Thanksgiving is a turkey, which is frequently stuffed but never requires wrapping. It may be our last honest celebration, solely because America’s killjoys of conspicuous consumption haven’t yet figured out a way to ruin it.

Amazon may not yet be hawking 20-pound Butterballs during its July Prime Day sales smorgasbord … but give ’em time.

They’re still figuring out how many stamps a turkey needs for free one-day shipping.

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This article was orginally published in the October 2024 issue of Missouri Life.